Summer???

So working for the state sucks....I have no idea if I will have a job come July.  I have a few choices, depending upon the outcome of the job situation. 

#1.  If I still have a job come July I will be waking up every morning at about 6:45 depressed that I have to get out of bed to go to my dead end job.  Remembering that even though in the summertime I have Fridays off....I still work from 8:00am - 5:15pm Monday  through Thursday and I swear by 4:00pm mentally my day is over. 

#2.  Furlough every Thursday making my paycheck significantly less, therefore need to find extra income to pay my mortgage, however this will automatically give me a 4 day weekend, giving me time to figure out how to get out of the dead end job, or at least find something in my life to supplement so the depression doesn't hurt so badly. 

#3 (this is what I really want to do) Furlough the whole summer therefore having no income but will be overjoyed that I do not have to show up at my job.  Maybe then I can kick my ass in mega gear and figure out once and for all what I want to do when I grow up.  This would be by far the most fantastic idea except it would give Rich a heart attack, so I guess its a no go. 

#4. Quit my job and move with Rich and Beaux so no one can find us.  This sounds like a good idea, but I am thinking this wont happen unless we win the lottery.

#5. Become an escort, not into that so much but I hear the $ is good.

I am thinking I am going to end up with option #1 or #2 even though option 3 is the best looking.  Trying to stay positive here....
Maybe I will feel better when it stops raining.

What am I doing??

No..Seriously, What am I doing?? I do consider myself a terrible writer, however I am always finding that I have a LOT to say.  Please feel free to comment on the content, however refrain from correcting my spelling & punctuation.  I know it's terrible...I know.  I am first and foremost an Artist!! writer is way down on the list, maybe one above mathematician.

So I'm looking for an outlet.  maybe this is it!! or maybe this will be my last post.  Like most things in my life I get extremely excited about new adventures, art projects, meeting new people, learning new skills etc. As far as sustaining my excitement, well that's another story.   I can easily rattle off at least 20 projects that I have started and been excited about over the last 2 years, and of those 20 projects, I am not sure if there is one that I can say I have completely followed through on.

 Quitting my job, selling my house, and taking all of my money to invest into some sort of artistic endeavor.  sounds awesome, but unfortunately not possible.  I'm not sure if the impossibility of this is me being scared of success or failure, or if I quite litterly cant afford to quit my job.  I have no idea...I just hope im not asking that same question for the next 32 years of my life. 

I believe I have a lot of "internal" self esteem.  The small percentage of self esteem that I do not have is the persentage that I need to promote myself.  I know it! I admit it! is my work worthy enough to be out there in the universe for people to see and purchase?? Absolutly!!! Do I have the balls to promote that work??? yeah umm no, unfortunatly I dont.  Im not sure where to go to find those balls.  I am 110% positive that if I had that one little skill (aka Balls)...(not litterly, you know what I mean), I would be Successful!! I know it for a fact!!!! and so does every single person in my life who EVERY DAY says to me.  What the hell are you doing?? why are you not in business? I will buy that from you!! can you do work for me? OMG I have a friend who is looking for someone like you!! 

Its not about the money ( although that would be helpfull )..its about doing somthing I love. In the evening when I sit down to relax I want to feel that I have accomplished somthing productive for the day.

Dear Rachel:

Shit or get off the pot!!